Girl = DRAMA!

I am beginning to notice some major differences between boys and girls the older that Emmy gets.  At least my boy and girl that is.  For instance, the other day big brother and little momma BOTH got in trouble for a bad report while we were eating at a restaurant with friends.  The result: both kids had to put their favorite toy in time out for the rest of the day when we got home.  We are very big on choices in our house.  For example, good choices = good consequences (i.e. act good at a restaurant = you get to watch a movie in the car on the way home) but bad choices = bad consequences (i.e. spill two drinks because you are standing up in the benches, knocking over baskets of tortilla chips onto the ground, fighting with each other, and getting out of your seats to run around the restaurant like little crazies = you get your favorite toy put in time out when you get home.)

Easton had to put one of his Star Wars characters in Time Out (you can barely see it sitting next to Emmy's doll).  His response: "OK mom.  Here you go.  When I get a good report can I get it out of time out?"

Little momma had to put her precious "Baby Nana" in timeout.  Her response: DRAMA.(30 minutes of it to be exact.)

Drama queen: take one.

Try persuasive tactics and maneuvers.

***Stand and stare at the doll for 15 minutes with your head slightly cocked to the left while crying uncotrollably and fogging up your glasses (see picture below) and using choice phrases such as:

1.”But she’s my Baby NaNa....my FAVORITE baby.”
2. “But I NEED her. I love her so much.”
3. “I love her so very, very, very much.”
4. “But I love her more than any other baby.”
5. “But Santa brought her to me and she’s my baby.” (Hmmmm...that’s an interesting angle I had never thought of.”
6. But she doesn’t like the time out chair. Baby Nana neds her mommy.”

Drama queen: take two.

Hit mom where it hurts by moving into "manipulation mode."

Move to the ground, continue crying, and begin to manipulate her “mother’s heart" by saying choice phrases such as:

1. “But she needs her mommy so bad.”

2. “But she can’t go to sleep unless her mommy puts her to bed.” and my personal favorite....

3. “But I need to put Baby Nana in her crib and put her night-night.  She is so tired.  She is SO TIRED!!”

I will have everyone know that I was struggling at this point and almost gave in.  Seriously?!?!  Look at her! 

Drama queen: take three.
Full on freak-out mode.
For this portion of the demonstration, the camera had to be put down.  Let's just say that this part involves now laying on the floor while making gagging noises and dry heaving.  This would be the portion where mom picks the daughter up and carries her upstairs to put her to bed because it is obviously way past nap-time.

So all you moms out there....I want to know two things:

1.  Are your girls more dramatic than your boys (if you have both)?
2.  Do you use the "Toy in Time-Out" method or not?

Bye-Bye Baby Bambini's

For those of you who don't know....my daughter was born with an eye condition called accomodative esotropia.  The picture above is one of the first pictures we took of her after she got her new glasses.  I will never forget when she was diagnosed and I was told that she basically could not see a thing (she is legally blind without glasses on) and that I would need to get a pair of special glasses for her called......

baby bambini's.

Of course I was devastated.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  My poor little baby girl.  She couldn't see a thing for the first 10 months of her life.  She wasn't crawling.  She wasn't even moving.  She just sat there and strained to see and crossed her little eyes.  Then we put those little miracle-workers on her precious little eyes.  And a whole new world opened up to her.  She took one look at the world through her Baby Bambini's....and she took of crawling and never looked back.  She was so happy once she could finally see.  As a mother, when I found out she would have to wear not only special glasses, but an EXTREMELY strong prescription (we are talking coke bottle thickness here people), I was devastated.  I didn't want her to have the struggles of being "different."  I didn't want strangers to stare at her and whisper about her glasses.  I wanted to give her my eyes and take away her broken eyes.  But I couldn't.  I could, however, give her the baby bambini's. 

From the day we put those little pale-pink glasses on her face, the world became a new place to my little Emmy Grace...a place she could finally see!  From that moment on, she and her baby bambini's were ONE wth each other.  The second she woke up, she asked for them.  Once she could talk, she would say, "Mom.  I need my glasses.  I don't see very well without my glasses."  And we would immediately put them on her face.  They wouldn't come back off until she laid her precious little head on the pillow.  Now that I have explained the history....you will understand my dismay when I walked in one morning to find the precious baby bambini's in the dog's mouth.

\

Notice the bite marks all over the frames and the popped out lens with indentations from being chewed on...nice.  Obviously this resulted in a trip to the pediatric opthalmologist and from that visit, we have a big announcement to make....I would like to proudly introduce:

little momma in her new big girl glasses

And I would like to say a tearful goodbye to the baby bambini's.  Thank you for helping my baby see for the past three years.  I will never forget the look on her face the first time I slid you over her precious little eyes and she truly saw my face for the first time.  I will NEVER, NEVER forget you and I can NEVER thank you enough.  (sniff. sniff.  Yes, I am seriously crying about saying goodbye to my child's glasses.  Yes, I am psycho but I know I am so that makes it better.  At least, that is what I tell myself).

So what do you guys think of the new big girl glasses?!?!

Dear Dr. Phil

So I have been meaning for quite some time to blog about my feelings on potty training.  I have several friends who are potty training right now and when they ask my advice, I simply say, "Go get yourself a bottle of wine.  You are going to need it."  After the past few weeks this family has had, I have decided that it is time for a good laugh.  So....here goes.  Carissa Miller's feelings on potty training....

I feel that it is my calling in life to expose those heretics and false prophets out there who would lead you to believe that there is such a thing as "Potty Training Your Child in One Day."  Now I know that some people will tell you that they potty trained their child in one day.  I choose not to believe them.  I put them in a nice little category with those women who also tell you that they left the hospital in their pre-pregnancy jeans.  This is a category called "You make me feel like crap about myself so I am going to act like you don't exist." 

The most blatant heretic who would have you believe that you can potty train your child in one day is....DR. PHIL.  When I was potty training Emmy, he aired a show on potty training that was all about how you could potty train your child in one day using his fail-safe plan.  YEAH RIGHT.  Let me just point out the problems with Dr. Phil's little plan and tell you mom's out there the truth about potty training:  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS POTTY TRAINING IN ONE DAY.

1.  Step 1: Buy A Special Potty Training Doll - Have you guys ever seen Father of the Bride?  I love that part where Steve Martin (the father of the bride) has a complete meltdown in the grocery store the night before the wedding about hot dog buns.  It is one of my favorite scenes ever in a movie.  He is mad about the fact that they sell hot dogs in packages of 8 but the hot dog buns come in packages of twelve.  He starts ripping apart the packages of hot dog buns screaming, "Someone over at the hot dog factory got together with someone over at the hot dog bun factory and they decided to RIP US OFF!!!!"  You summed it up Steve.  That is how I feel about the potty training doll.  Dr. Phil got together with the people over at Mattel Toys and decided to RIP US OFF.  Don't waste your money on the pretty little EXPENSIVE potty training doll people.  News Flash: IT DOESN'T WORK!!!  The only thing it will successfully do is drive you crazy when you find puddles of "pee" all over your house becuase your daughter has taken the diaper off and is constantly feeding it bottle after bottle after bottle.  So annoying!

2.  Step 2: Throw A Special Party for Your Kid - The second step to Dr. Phil's little plan involves throwing a big party for your kids once they pee pee in the potty.  MAJOR PROBLEM HERE PEOPLE....first of all, that requires actually getting them to go peepee in the potty which we all know, can NOT be forced.  Dr. Phil's show simply states that once you get the kid to go in the potty (which is apparently SOOOO easy), you just give their favorite character a call on the phone and get "Mickey Mouse" (aka grandma or grandpa) to tell them how proud they are of him/her and that they get to have a party.  First of all...the kid isn't stupid, Dr. Phil.  They know that person's voice on the phone is not Mickey Mouse, or Thomas the Train, or freakin' Sponge Bob Squarepants.  It's grandma, Dr. Phil, and they know it.  Second of all, I don't care who you get on the phone and how big of a party you throw for them, that does NOT mean that they are going to miraculously starting peeing and pooping on the potty.

3.  STEP 3: Get Rid of the Diapers.  Yeah right.  That is all I have to say about that.  Dr. Phil....are you going to be the one in the McDonald's bathroom scooping poop out of panties and trying to hose your child down with paper towels and wipes while your other two children are screaming and crawling around the disgusting, germ-infested McDonald's bathroom floor?  I didn't think so.  Enough said.

A CHALLENGE TO DR. PHIL:

Dear Dr. Phil,

My favorite part of your potty training show is where you so confidently walk into that woman's house with your team of producers, assistant producers, assistant to your assistant producers, child psychologists, and God knows who else to show us how your potty training method works and successfully potty train that little boy in a day.  Here's the problem Dr. Phil....I believe the adult to child ratio in that scenario is about 50 to 1 in favor of the adults.  At my house, when I am potty training....the adult to child ratio is 3 to 1 in favor of the KIDS.  So Dr. Phil, I issue this challenge.  In about a year and a half, I will be potty traning my third child.  I challenge you to come to my house, by yourself, watch all three of my kids, and then see if you can potty train my kid in a day.  I challenge you to potty traing a two year old while simultaneously breastfeeding a 6 month old, which I did.  I challenge you to try the "no pull-up method" and scoop poop out of panties with your bare hands and wash out the panties in the toilet.  I challenge you to do all of this without a mental breakdown (which I did NOT do.).  The gauntlet has been thrown down Dr. Phil.  Are you man enough to rise to the occasion????

P.S. - To all you moms and future moms out there....THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS POTTY TRAINING IN ONE DAY.

The Unibrow

Emmy got into my makeup and here was the result....She drew herself a lovely unibrow.  Don't worry honey....if you look like that when you grow up mommy will definitely be taking you to wax that baby!

A Day in the Life of: Cold Weather + Kids = DISASTER.

Yes they are cute in the coats and hats but NO it is definitely not worth it.  This momma is NOT excited about the change to cold weather because three small kids + cold weather = DISASTER.  Last week was our first day to get out all the coats.  By the time I loaded the car to get Easton to school, I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel for the day.  That is never a good sign at 9:00 in the morning.  My poor friend Kenna...by the time I made it to the mall to meet her for lunch, I was pretty much in complete meltdown mode.  She got an earful about the coat situation.  Thanks for letting me vent Kenna!  So let me just give you an idea of what it is like to go somewhere with the kids while trying to do the "coat thing." 

When it is time to load up, I have to make sure all three kids have coats, hats and gloves.  Now that doesn't sound that difficult but believe me it is.  There is most definitely some kind of meltdown that will be involved.  Emmy didn't want THAT coat, she wanted the other one and Easton didn't want that hat, he wanted the blue one...UGH!  By the time we get everyone's coats, hats, and gloves, and actually get to the car, the next dilemma starts.  We will call this the "HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO STUFF MY KIDS INTO THEIR CAR SEATS WITH THEIR HUGE PUFFY COATS ON????" dilemma.  Now with Easton and Emmy I always put them in their carseats with their coats.  No it was not easy.  You have to yank the carseat straps out as far as they will go, stuff your kid into the carseat, yank their arms through the holes, and basically use all the strength you can muster to actually get the straps buckled.  That was hard enough but what I have to do with Cohen is even harder.  Apparently there is now some rule against putting your kids in their carseats WITH their coats on.  Maybe that rule was in place a few years ago but I didn't know so therefore it does NOT count and I am not a horrible mother for doing it.  So now since I do know, I have the new dilemma which we will call the "OH GREAT.  NOW I HAVE TO GET OUT IN THE FREAKING COLD, ICY, FRIGID WEATHER AND GET MY 8 MONTH OLD OUT OF HIS CAR SEAT AND STUFF HIM IN HIS JACKET, HAT, AND GLOVES EVERYTIME I GET IN AND OUT OF THE CAR" dilemma.  I actually think I hate this one even more then the aforementioned dilemma. 

So here is what it actually looks like everytime I want to run into the grocery store, to Target, to the Post Office, to the Mall, etc...:

1.  Stop the car.  Get out.  Walk around to Emmy's side and undo her belt.  Tell her to get her coat and hat on.

2.  Emmy freaks out because she wants me to help her get her coat and hat on.  I tell her she is a big girl and she needs to do it herself.

3.  Close the door.  Walk around to Cohen's side while I am freezing my butt off.

4.  Take Cohen out of his straps.  Stuff him in his coat.  Put his hat on.  Set him back in his seat.  He starts freaking out.

5.  Walk around to Emmy's side because she is still freaking out and she needs my help putting her coat on.  Still freezing my butt off.  Get her coat and hat on.  Get her and Easton out of the car.

6.  Walk back around to Cohen's side and get him out of the car.

7.  Get all 3 kids around to the back of the car and get the stroller out.  Get 3 kids in the stroller (Side Note: usually there will be some type of argument about who gets to sit or stand where).

8.  Happily take my freezing self into whatever store we will be blessing our presence with at that time.

9.  Take all three kids coats, hats, and gloves off and wonder now where the heck I am going to store all that gear and still have room to put groceries.

10.  Remind myself that it is NOT worth it and I should just stay home until the Spring.

So there it is.  Cold Weather errand-running with kids.  Gotta love it.  I hope all my friends read this so they can understand why I might be running late for the next oh, FIVE or SIX months!

So Maybe I Need Braces or Something.....

The above picture is Easton's portrait of his mommy.  I am trying not to have a complex but he was making a HUGE deal out of my mouth when he was drawing me.  He kept saying, "Mommy, I'm going to draw your big, beautiful mouth with your BIG teeth.  Look mom, I'm drawing your BIG teeth."  What is up with that?!?!  Apparently my son thinks I need braces or something! 

A Day In the Life of: A Trip to Tin Star

So it's time for another edition of A Day in the Life of....One mom's way of finding the humor out of life with three small kids. We have been stuck in the house ALL week because I have been sick. Now all you moms out there know what this is like....after a few days of not getting out, no school, and no playdates, the kids become like wild, caged animals....just chomping at the bit to get out of their cages and go crazy! So some friends called and asked us to meet them at Tin Star, which we did. It wasn't one of our worst outings, but it definitely wasn't our best either. I was blocked in at the table on all sides by carseats and kids so when I tried to slide out of my seat, I knocked over my huge 32 oz drink FULL of ice onto my lap.

ME (Thinking to myself): AWESOME! This is JUST the way I wanted to start out my lunch experience. Now I get to sit here and feel like I wet my pants throughout the rest of our lunch. Our food comes and we eat without too many problems other than me feeling like I peed myself and then it happens....the kids run out of food. Now all you moms out there know what this means. As soon as your kids run out of food they become bored and that is when everything turns south. Emmy decides to start running laps around the restaurant and when she does, she slips on the leftovers of my drink spillage and falls flat on her face. Screaming ensues. Damage control happens. We get everyone back in their seats and try again. The next thing I know, Easton has his boots off (yes he wore brown cargo khaki shorts with cowboy boots to the restaurant and we just went with it today) and is crawling around under the table on the nasty floor with no shoes on....GROSS! Of course Emmy and her friend Owen decide that if Easton is doing it, they should too. Awesome! Now we have three kids crawling around on the nasty floor under the table! We get them back in their seats again and I try to continue my conversation. I start to feel a shoe kicking me in the back. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I'm about to rage at this point because that is so rude and those of you who know me know that I have a serious foot/shoe fetish and I DON'T like to be touched with feet OR shoes. I turn around and Easton has his boots on his hands and is using them to "walk" up and down my back to get my attention because he wants to show me his blister. He shows me the blister and I tell him that he is going to have to put his boots back on.
Easton: "NO! I can hop on one foot like a bunny rabbit to the car."
Me: "NO! You most definitely can NOT so put your boots back on.
I continue my conversation and a few seconds later I hear this:
Easton: "MOM! Look at me! I told you I could hop like a bunny rabbit." And just like that my son is hopping around Tin Star with cargo khaki shorts on, one cowboy boot on his foot, and one cowboy boot on his hand which he is using to slam down on the tables as he passes them.
Me: It's time to call it a day.

***WARNING**** - This next part will contain sensitive material (aka POOP stories).
We get home and both kids run inside and start fighting over who is going to get to poop in the "chosen toilet." We have four bathrooms in our house and I don't understand for the life of me WHY they have to poop in the same bathroom, but they do. Of course Easton beats Emmy to the upstairs toilet which means she sets on the little potty-training toilet to poop. Yes people, that means it's the toilet that does not flush so I have to scoop the poop out with my hand, throw it in the toilet and then clean the toilet out with Clorox wipes....WHY, WHY, WHY can't she just poop in the other upstairs bathroom!?!?! So after I am done cleaning Cohen's blow-out diaper, I go in the bathroom and have not one but TWO bottoms to wipe and a potty training toilet to sanitize. I wipe Easton and wash his hands and then get to Emmy. I finish wiping her bottom and then it happens....that moment as a mom when you forget all the crap you have to go through and realize that ALL of it...the poop, the throw-up, the screaming, the fits....ALL of it is SO worth it. She grabs onto my legs, looks up at me with those precious brown eyes, scrunches up her nose and takes the palm of her hand to push her glasses up on her face so she can see me better, and says...
"Mom...You are my mommy. You help me ALL day long (pause while she looks up at me adoringly through her ridiculously cute glasses). 'Sanks Mom.' (aka Thanks Mom) I love you."

WOW! Talk about melting my heart. These are the moments that I realize they are growing up by the minute. That I am going to blink my eyes and my son is going to be walking into high school. That I am going to blink again and my daughter is going to have a white dress on and be driving off into the sunset with her new husband. And it makes me realize that I want to hold onto these moments and treasure them....even though I am wiping bottoms and taking care of kids while I am sick and cleaning up throw up and breaking up fights. Because when that day comes that she drives off into the horizon in her white dress holding her husband's hand, I know that my heart will break and I will want to give anything, ABSOLUTELY anything to go back to that moment when she said, "Mom....You are my mommy. You help me ALL day long. Sanks mom. I love you."

And on a lighter note...Here is Emmy's new thing - dressing herself! This is what she came down wearing this morning. A lovely ensemble with a leopard print/rose dress paired with chocolate brown multi-colored polka dot tights and to top it off....a competing leopard print bow. But isn't she still just the cutest thing?!?!?!