Dear Dr. Phil

So I have been meaning for quite some time to blog about my feelings on potty training.  I have several friends who are potty training right now and when they ask my advice, I simply say, "Go get yourself a bottle of wine.  You are going to need it."  After the past few weeks this family has had, I have decided that it is time for a good laugh.  So....here goes.  Carissa Miller's feelings on potty training....

I feel that it is my calling in life to expose those heretics and false prophets out there who would lead you to believe that there is such a thing as "Potty Training Your Child in One Day."  Now I know that some people will tell you that they potty trained their child in one day.  I choose not to believe them.  I put them in a nice little category with those women who also tell you that they left the hospital in their pre-pregnancy jeans.  This is a category called "You make me feel like crap about myself so I am going to act like you don't exist." 

The most blatant heretic who would have you believe that you can potty train your child in one day is....DR. PHIL.  When I was potty training Emmy, he aired a show on potty training that was all about how you could potty train your child in one day using his fail-safe plan.  YEAH RIGHT.  Let me just point out the problems with Dr. Phil's little plan and tell you mom's out there the truth about potty training:  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS POTTY TRAINING IN ONE DAY.

1.  Step 1: Buy A Special Potty Training Doll - Have you guys ever seen Father of the Bride?  I love that part where Steve Martin (the father of the bride) has a complete meltdown in the grocery store the night before the wedding about hot dog buns.  It is one of my favorite scenes ever in a movie.  He is mad about the fact that they sell hot dogs in packages of 8 but the hot dog buns come in packages of twelve.  He starts ripping apart the packages of hot dog buns screaming, "Someone over at the hot dog factory got together with someone over at the hot dog bun factory and they decided to RIP US OFF!!!!"  You summed it up Steve.  That is how I feel about the potty training doll.  Dr. Phil got together with the people over at Mattel Toys and decided to RIP US OFF.  Don't waste your money on the pretty little EXPENSIVE potty training doll people.  News Flash: IT DOESN'T WORK!!!  The only thing it will successfully do is drive you crazy when you find puddles of "pee" all over your house becuase your daughter has taken the diaper off and is constantly feeding it bottle after bottle after bottle.  So annoying!

2.  Step 2: Throw A Special Party for Your Kid - The second step to Dr. Phil's little plan involves throwing a big party for your kids once they pee pee in the potty.  MAJOR PROBLEM HERE PEOPLE....first of all, that requires actually getting them to go peepee in the potty which we all know, can NOT be forced.  Dr. Phil's show simply states that once you get the kid to go in the potty (which is apparently SOOOO easy), you just give their favorite character a call on the phone and get "Mickey Mouse" (aka grandma or grandpa) to tell them how proud they are of him/her and that they get to have a party.  First of all...the kid isn't stupid, Dr. Phil.  They know that person's voice on the phone is not Mickey Mouse, or Thomas the Train, or freakin' Sponge Bob Squarepants.  It's grandma, Dr. Phil, and they know it.  Second of all, I don't care who you get on the phone and how big of a party you throw for them, that does NOT mean that they are going to miraculously starting peeing and pooping on the potty.

3.  STEP 3: Get Rid of the Diapers.  Yeah right.  That is all I have to say about that.  Dr. Phil....are you going to be the one in the McDonald's bathroom scooping poop out of panties and trying to hose your child down with paper towels and wipes while your other two children are screaming and crawling around the disgusting, germ-infested McDonald's bathroom floor?  I didn't think so.  Enough said.

A CHALLENGE TO DR. PHIL:

Dear Dr. Phil,

My favorite part of your potty training show is where you so confidently walk into that woman's house with your team of producers, assistant producers, assistant to your assistant producers, child psychologists, and God knows who else to show us how your potty training method works and successfully potty train that little boy in a day.  Here's the problem Dr. Phil....I believe the adult to child ratio in that scenario is about 50 to 1 in favor of the adults.  At my house, when I am potty training....the adult to child ratio is 3 to 1 in favor of the KIDS.  So Dr. Phil, I issue this challenge.  In about a year and a half, I will be potty traning my third child.  I challenge you to come to my house, by yourself, watch all three of my kids, and then see if you can potty train my kid in a day.  I challenge you to potty traing a two year old while simultaneously breastfeeding a 6 month old, which I did.  I challenge you to try the "no pull-up method" and scoop poop out of panties with your bare hands and wash out the panties in the toilet.  I challenge you to do all of this without a mental breakdown (which I did NOT do.).  The gauntlet has been thrown down Dr. Phil.  Are you man enough to rise to the occasion????

P.S. - To all you moms and future moms out there....THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS POTTY TRAINING IN ONE DAY.